From all Angles

A strong and overwhelming attack has been waged on me, both physical and mental, and I feel ill prepared to deal with any one of the issues I am having much less being able to deal with all angles.  I am weak and fragile mentally right now, then why too, must the physical ailments hit in full force?  My head is spinning and reality is faltering.  I can't see clear from the middle of this raging war.  I am not able to catch my breath before the next wave of pain, responsibility, or crisis hits.  I am not finding the answer to hard questions I am only finding more questions.  My grasp on keeping it together is slipping. The line between who I should be, who I am meant to be, and who I am right now, seems to be widening.

I can't deal with one crisis before two more step in and vie for my attention.  How do I see past all of the stuff to what is most important.  And how do I deal with it all?   I miss simple.  I miss health. I miss happiness. I miss control. I miss comfort. I miss joy.  I miss sleep.  I miss clarity.  I miss excitement. I miss my children.  I miss nuturing.  I miss babies.  I miss leisure.  I miss peace.  I miss me...

War rages on... I cannot surrender, but at times during war I need to Retreat.  Regroup. Reevaluate. Remember. A good Captain figures it all out and puts everything in order before the battle can be won.  What does all this mean for me.  I couldn't tell you at this moment.  But as I seek to understand my enemy, to fortify myself, to put on my armor and to strategize, I am nervous for the outcome.  How do I become strong and immovable always abounding in good works, with sticks and stones and arrows being hurled at me from every angle?

Where is my repreave. Where is my Solace. Where is my safehold.  Where can I turn... The enemy is closing in... I will not surrender.  I hope.

Have you ever looked in the mirror only to find that the person you thought you would see wasn't there? Welcome to my "twilight zone"? The blank mirror has me horrified and haunted, wondering where I have gone and when I am coming back has me feeling mentally fragile and unable to function as I normally would. This non-existent image in the mirror has prompted me to begin searching for Lori, in the hopes that sanity, order, joy and fulfillment will be restored. And that my reflection returns along with my identity.  In this long and painful process I have decided to blog my way back. . As I begin to piece together who I am, what I like, what I don't and how I got to this non-existent place; I am cautiously optimistic, since I have been unable to remember these basic things, what else have I forgotten and how soon before the new me replaces the real Lori and she is gone forever.

As I sit here contemplating how I got to this place in my life, I am truly perplexed. As far back as I can remember I have been trying to evolve and change and grow into the person that I am "supposed" to be. But somewhere along the lines, I took a wrong turn and never corrected and I have become lost.  I am lost in the chaos and clutter of a life overrun with worldly nonsense. Nonsense is a world that tells you that you get your self- esteem from beauty or possessions or power. Nonsense is a life filled with busyness; a busyness that runs over boundaries, sensibility, and ultimately reality. Making in the end its own reality, void of peace and dripping with competitiveness that takes its toll on the strong and weak alike.